Finding or Becoming the Right Person

Do you have a long checklist of characteristics you're looking for in a true love?  It's good to know what you want, but many have more success if they cross out the checklist title and write in "My Personal Goals".  Here's why: "You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'll have a greater likelihood of finding that person. You will be attractive to someone who has those things" (Bednar, 2009). "The goal is not to wait for the right person but to be the right person. Do not wait. Rather fill your life with service, education, personality development, love for all, and other such meaningful traits. Live with purpose each day" (Ashton, 2010). 

 

The Ability to Love and Communicate

Two of the most important characteristics on the "My Personal Goals" list should be love and communication.  "Scholars have found that young adults' readiness for marriage is largely determined by their ability to love and communicate.  Love is defined as the ability to be emotionally available to self and others, especially in times of need...without requirements of performance, perfection, problem-solving, and production.  Thus, the ability to love requires a combination of a sense of self-worth or personal security plus intimate regard for others...and the maturity to allow others' needs to become equal or greater in priority than one's own.

 

Communication is the ability to "bargain, problem-solve, and make decisions" and "involves two primary skills:  empathetic listening and clear-sending communication."  Empathetic listening helps others to "feel understood and valued", while clear-sending communication allows trust to develop when we "say what we mean and mean what we say while respecting the feelings and perspectives of others" (Carroll, 2012). 

 

Eternal Companions Versus Soul Mates

"Marriage today, founded on the belief of predestined love, is often portrayed as a 'super relationship' - an effortless and conflict-free union filled with romantic intimacy and emotional togetherness that can meet our every need and desire."  While the soul mate ideal may be nice in movies, most couples "in the real world will tell you that maintaining their relationship requires work, patience, personal growth, compromise, commitment, and sacrifice." During major disagreements or trials in marriage, soul mates may attribute their problems to "having made a faulty match and that their only recourse is to unmatch and rematch again with someone else who must be their real soul mate."

 

A healthier marriage is one where "two people become uniquely suited for each other as they go through the experiences of life together and learn to adapt and grow in ways that make them a better fit for their spouse."  Eternal companions choose to "improve, restore, and maintain a marriage in the real world. While soul mates are found, eternal companions are chosen and made" (Carroll, 2012).

 

From Friendship to Love

Spending time together as friends helps you find out if a person could be a good possibility for dating.  Dating is defined as "(1) planned ahead, (2) paid for by the man, and (3) paired off" and can be "simple, inexpensive, and frequent" (Oaks, 2006).  Dating provides an opportunity for meaningful conversation and interaction, to see how you get along together, and to observe his/her true character.  A friendship based on mutual beliefs, caring, and respect for each other can develop into an affection and desire for an exclusive relationship.  With time, it can develop into a mature love, as long as both continue to act with true charity toward each other, as listed below.

 

Is It True Love?

"Mature love leads to success in marriage and family life while immature love does not support success in marriage and family life."  A couple can easily tell if they feel immature or mature love for each other.  Immature love is urgent, possessive, jealous, infatuated, beyond your control, lustful, concerned with your own needs, over-dependent, and demanding.  On the other hand, mature love has lasting passion, warm feelings of contentedness, desire for companionship, long-term commitment, a willingness to share and sacrifice, space to grow, and a desire to act for each other's best good.  When there is "a lack of love, temptations to break commandments and covenants, or partners who do not inspire the best in you, couples need to think seriously about ending the relationship" (Holman, 2012).

 

Making a Decision

"In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong.  In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give one a maximum chance of marital happiness" (Kimball, 2006).  We are given the power of agency to choose our eternal companion. "We make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord."  Spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties as they seek the Lord's guidance independently from each other (Holman, 2012).

 

During the Engagement

"The purposes of engagement are to confirm a decision to marry someone, make wedding preparations, and strengthen new extended family relationships. By and large, couples will be better served by having longer periods of exclusive dating, followed by shorter engagements" (Carroll, 2012). It's also a time to prepare to kneel together in marriage at the holy temple alter of God.  Remaining worthy to enter the house of the Lord and make these eternal covenants is worth every sacrifice.

 

When Desires Are Delayed

For some, the timing of marriage "does not happen a soon as they would like or expect.  The promise of the Lord is that eternal marriage will be part of celestial glory for all true disciples of Jesus Christ.  Therefore, all...can continue to prepare for marriage with the surety that it will be a part of their eternal destiny and future - even if the realization of that blessing does not happen according to their ideal timing in this life" (Carroll, 2012).