Becoming A Good Spouse

"One of the basic ways for a person to have a good marriage is to be a good person" (Fowers, 2000). "Marriage is God's graduate program in advanced Christian character" (Goddard, 2007). Love thrives under the influence of practicing Christlike virtues, like patience, kindness, gratitude, humility, respect, unity, forgiveness, courage, and faith (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Elder Robert Hales said, "To receive the blessings of the sealing our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities" (Hales, 1996).  

 

"Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concentrated effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed in each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness" (Nelson, 2008). 

Becoming a good spouse might involve "learning to resolve difference in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems" (Duncan, 2012). 

 

Building Connection

"A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship" (Jensen, 1999).  A solid friendship, or connection, is nurtured every day by making time to be together as friends. "When conversing as friends, we make sure to show genuine interest (look at our spouse, give full attention), take turns talking, avoid giving unsolicited advice, communicate our understanding on occasion, take our spouse's side, avoid interrupting or rebutting, express affection, and validate emotions" (Gottman, 1999).

 

Connection is built when spouses "turn toward" each other, including:

• Responding to bids from your spouse for attention, affection, humor, or support. Responses could be acknowledgement of feelings, a hug, and an invitation to talk more about it, etc. Ignoring or criticizing the other is detrimental for connection.

• Do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed. Create rituals and traditions to maintain the bond, keep the romance alive, and show love and respect for each other.

• Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day.  Lovingly listen to and validate each other.

• Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation. Creating a "love map", or a list of how your spouse likes to receive love, and then doing them often is one of the most effective ways to build connection.

• Keep track of how well you are connecting and make enhancements when necessary (Gottman, 1999).

 

Equal Partners

"A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us.  We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one before or behind the other.  A helpmeet results in an absolute partnership between a husband and a wife.  Eve was equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other" (Tingey, 2008).  To be equal does not mean men and women are identical.  Each gender is blessed with unique God-given attributes that differ from the opposite sex. Instead, to be equal means men and women have equal potential, agency, value, and authority (Hudson, 2012).

 

As equal partners, husband and wife are "co-presidents working 'together eternally for the good of the family'.  In other words, 'they are on equal footing'.  They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward" (Perry, 2004). "In the home, it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together" (Packer, 1998).

 

Resolving Issues

Couples who share decision-making responsibilities counsel with and listen to the other, respect and consider the other's opinions as valid as their own, and compromise if needed. Turning to each other for advice, being open to ideas and learning from each other, showing respect in disagreement and recognizing points agreed upon, and showing sensitivity toward feelings help further the process of resolving issues (Duncan, 2012). 

 

Successfully handling differences and conflicts is a skill set that is vital to a good marriage. Here are some steps to take:

• Prevention. Letting go of trivial matters through love and forgiveness, as well as holding regular couple councils to discuss relationship concerns, will prevent many issues from becoming problems.

• Eliminate destructive communication. These include criticism (attack on one's personality), contempt (criticism mixed with resentment), defensiveness (not taking responsibility for change), stonewalling (withdrawing or refusing to discuss), escalation (increasing the tension), invalidation (putting down the other's opinion), and negative interpretations (assuming negative intentions or meanings that are not meant).

• Calm yourself first. "If you cannot approach an issue without contending about it, it is better to deal with it later, after you have calmed yourself.  Do whatever calms you: pray, listen to peaceful music, walk around the block, take a shower."

• Bring up concerns softly, gently, and privately.  Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings. Be clear, polite, and appreciative.  

• Make and receive repair attempts. De-escalate tension so discussion and problem solving can proceed by using apologies, acknowledgement of actions, or taking breaks.

• Reach a consensus about a solution.  This is done by brainstorming possibilities, evaluating alternatives, choosing one you feel good about, putting the solution into action, and following up (Duncan, 2012).